I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
