Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize