I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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