how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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