you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
