And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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