I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am spending my child support on dildos
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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