I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
