my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
