Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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