Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
