A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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