Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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