i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
