Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
