the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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