He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
