I met the friendliest cop last night
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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