god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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