I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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