It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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