please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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