hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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