The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
