Will you blow on my dice?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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