My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Panties = found
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
