my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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