You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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