Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
