dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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