im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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