Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
