I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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