i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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