I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
