he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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