i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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