kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
