I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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