It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
