are you still at the devil's house?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
