Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
