I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dick very happy bro
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize