I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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