Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
