I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
