Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I have post one night stand depression
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
