I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
