you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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