I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
