Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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