you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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