stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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