Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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