im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize