your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
