i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize