Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dicks are not precious.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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