That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
