I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
